"Theory of Expectations"

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(diving board: ‘The lady in white saree with peacock blue/ green border’, my favorite teacher since KG, stormed into my classroom, literally, and slapped me twice in front of my class teacher and the whole class! That was in third standard. My fault? I overlooked a question worth four marks on a hundred marks question paper. That was my first encounter with “expectations”...)

Ever since this word and its usage in practical and spiritual context has confused me. So, I started thinking long back about when to expect, why to expect, from whom to expect. It took me three long years and several relationships (implies ‘any’) and over seventeen hundred sixty debates between emotions and practicality. I don’t think I have still got it. Just wanted to share with you the model that I follow… But before I reach there, let me start from what seems to be the simplest theory-

[Disclaimer: These opinions are based on my experiences and not meant to challenge any religious idea or school of thought]

1. Spiritually rich individuals say- Never expect anything from anyone, it is a cause of conflicts.

Aai always expected me to ace my tests. Mohite Kaka always expected me hold his hand and walk him to his home on second floor. My friends expected my call at 12:00 AM sharp on their birthdays. If not me (a friend) then who? While in queue for tickets people expect me not to jump ahead of them. All these ‘expectations’ shaped me as a son, a friend and a citizen. But, had I not fulfilled any one of those, yes, there would have been a conflict. This means the first part is not consistent with practical life and is entirely based on Idealism. Second part may be true as conflicts will take place.

2. So if not every time, there are times when we are ‘required’ to expect from others. These few expectations not only maintain any relationship but keep conflicts to minimum. In other words there has to be a set of situations when we are ‘allowed’ to expect and set of situations in which we are ‘disallowed’ to expect.

3. A fact derived from general observations by generations and thats why a general principle - Any relationship gets better with fulfillment of expectations. So, when we ‘disallow’ ourselves to expect something from others we are thinning the chances to better an existing relationship. That means one keeps expecting and one keeps delivering to not only maintain but cherish their relationship. When one ‘keeps’ doing it and fails, one is hurt and everything falls back again to where it started from- “Never expect anything from anyone”. Everything repeats. Is this a loop? May be yes and it happens because we don’t know how to ‘differentiate’.

4a. Solution to life’s complexities and complicated human behavior lies in nature, in physics, in chemistry, in mathematics. If one doesn’t want a loop, one may want anything that is not a loop! So just cut that loop, ideally make it a straight line so that you can differentiate between the point of ‘no expectation’ and point of ‘conflict-causing-expectation’.
4b. I felt happy at times when things went the way I wanted them to and I was hurt too, many times. I faced extremes of ‘expecting’ and ‘not expecting’. I wanted to get underneath those emotional layers and their intricacies and still come out smiling.
My mind wanted to get out of this loop and the answer was in the engineering design class of third semester.

5a. Any part (parts used in mechanisms) is manufactured with certain tolerances on its dimensions.
For non-engineers - if I want a 5 cm X 3 cm rectangular steel piece. I may want it to be within following dimensions: 5cm (±2mm) X 3cm (±1mm). If it doesn’t conform to the standards, it is discarded.
b. If ease of manufacturing parts with given accuracy increases, tolerances become tighter.
c. When tolerances become tighter; quality of product increases.
d. Quality doesn’t increase at once but it is a step wise process.

6. From 5a, 5b, 5c and 5d we get- [click to enlarge]

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7a. Expectation level increases with fulfillment of previous level.
b. Even if one doesn’t live up to some expectation, one is fine until s/he doesn’t fall below the lower tolerance level.
c. There are misunderstandings and doubts if one falls below that tolerance level.
d. Expectations jump to next level not until one keeps delivering “more than” [upper tolerance] what s/he is expected to.
e. As expectations increase, tolerances become tighter.

8. Differentiate between different expectations level. Easy, Eh? :)